Why is it that my mind goes blank every time I open up a new post, yet a blank page in my journal eventually gets a few lines written? I suppose I’m a bit of a romantic when it comes to paper and pen…

Originally when I started this blog it was more of an open notebook to keep quotes and articles that inspire me to be better. I’d leave out the pain and the angst because I wanted this to be something positive if someone were to stumble upon it.

Also, I know that my writing isn’t perfect. Sometimes it’s too verbose and I have this annoying habit of repeating myself. Funny enough, it’s so predictable that I find it pretty quickly after doing a review, whether it’s personal or professional in subject. Obviously, I also tend to go off in tangents due to random changes in thought.. which annoys myself and may also do the same to an unassuming reader.

Then, of course, I cringe at the thought of anyone I know figuring out that this blog is created by me… especially with how honest I would like to be about what is really going on. Even more so, to imagine it being discovered down the road when I have somehow turned my life into the success that I feel is inside of me.

So I sit here on my patio in the morning sun, with my cup of joe and a cig, as I listen to the zany squirrels chasing eachother around the tree and think, who really cares?? And no one is going to figure it out. What’s the worst that could happen if they did? The Internet is clogged with people spilling their souls out for better or worse.

Hence the title of this post, here it goes, this blog will now represent the transformation of a life, from one of angst to one that is beautiful, happy, healthy and fulfilling. Typos and all. Grammatical errors in abundance I’m sure. This is going to be about me. All of me.

I was watching the show Mad Men the other day and for the longest time I’ve been pausing my Tivo to take down the bits and pieces of writing that make me feel alive. Here’s one from the other night that feels appropriate for my life at this point:

“Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting.”

Yes, it is great to visit blogs and sites that are purely dedicated to those on an upswing but I have yet to encounter one that also touches on the nitty gritty of depression, addictive behavior, self-sabotage, insecurity, ACOA and a less than perfect pursuit of a dream. Sometimes, it can be inspirational to see the pain that leads up to life-changing realizations. To see the struggle and the background that is all part of being human and flawed.

No matter where my life ends up, I know that my self-defeating tendencies will not disappear. It will forever be a balancing act and I will always be a work in progress. Just as anyone in a (healthy) relationship will tell you, it is work. And so is the relationship we have with ourselves.