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The following quote is from An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s Normal by John C. Friel, Linda D. Friel

“We try to fix the problem with logic. We become excellent problem-solvers. We make charts of behavior. We make lists. We stay up late into the night with our spouse, lover or friends, analyzing and talking aboutproblems. But the problem doesn’t go away. We are in crisis, and we are doing crisis management, but the crisis doesn’t go away. It has become unmanageable.”

I had to laugh when I read this passage. Of course, my initial reaction was pure astonishment when I first became aware of these books. It was a combination of relief and shock to see my issues so clearly defined.

I have been making lists since I was 10 years old and throughout the years it has become a joke to family and friends how I schedule myself relentlessly, trying to control every minute of my day. Some people who grew up as I did developed eating disorders or other unhealthy methods of coping. I never knew why I felt the need to control my environment at all costs, we just do what we do to survive.

The comical part of it, is to acknowledge that I have been coping this way for twenty years now. Twenty effin years. Torturing myself by trying to adhere to an impossible schedule. I still don’t believe that it is necessarily impossible, that is what is unhealthy about it. Deep down, I still think that I can control my environment if I am disciplined enough. Life rarely fits into my little box and it can only be accomplished by rigid isolation, which, is challenging when you have friends and family who care about you.

Currently I cannot deny that I am in a state of crisis managment and have returned to the same coping skills learned as a child. Working from home, I am trying to split my time between three companies while also preparing for a cross-country move. I’ve cut out, or am trying to control, the unhealthy coping methods recently adopted like drinking alone and other damaging habits.

Square one. I have to do it. Yesterday I implemented a new schedule, and of course, it was too tightly wound to survive a lunch meeting and phone calls that went too long. However, today is a new day and I will try to find the balance between a schedule and the messiness of life. Then, in the next year, I intend to develop new ways of dealing with life and the challenges that come along with it.

Why is it that my mind goes blank every time I open up a new post, yet a blank page in my journal eventually gets a few lines written? I suppose I’m a bit of a romantic when it comes to paper and pen…

Originally when I started this blog it was more of an open notebook to keep quotes and articles that inspire me to be better. I’d leave out the pain and the angst because I wanted this to be something positive if someone were to stumble upon it.

Also, I know that my writing isn’t perfect. Sometimes it’s too verbose and I have this annoying habit of repeating myself. Funny enough, it’s so predictable that I find it pretty quickly after doing a review, whether it’s personal or professional in subject. Obviously, I also tend to go off in tangents due to random changes in thought.. which annoys myself and may also do the same to an unassuming reader.

Then, of course, I cringe at the thought of anyone I know figuring out that this blog is created by me… especially with how honest I would like to be about what is really going on. Even more so, to imagine it being discovered down the road when I have somehow turned my life into the success that I feel is inside of me.

So I sit here on my patio in the morning sun, with my cup of joe and a cig, as I listen to the zany squirrels chasing eachother around the tree and think, who really cares?? And no one is going to figure it out. What’s the worst that could happen if they did? The Internet is clogged with people spilling their souls out for better or worse.

Hence the title of this post, here it goes, this blog will now represent the transformation of a life, from one of angst to one that is beautiful, happy, healthy and fulfilling. Typos and all. Grammatical errors in abundance I’m sure. This is going to be about me. All of me.

I was watching the show Mad Men the other day and for the longest time I’ve been pausing my Tivo to take down the bits and pieces of writing that make me feel alive. Here’s one from the other night that feels appropriate for my life at this point:

“Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting.”

Yes, it is great to visit blogs and sites that are purely dedicated to those on an upswing but I have yet to encounter one that also touches on the nitty gritty of depression, addictive behavior, self-sabotage, insecurity, ACOA and a less than perfect pursuit of a dream. Sometimes, it can be inspirational to see the pain that leads up to life-changing realizations. To see the struggle and the background that is all part of being human and flawed.

No matter where my life ends up, I know that my self-defeating tendencies will not disappear. It will forever be a balancing act and I will always be a work in progress. Just as anyone in a (healthy) relationship will tell you, it is work. And so is the relationship we have with ourselves.