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Why is it that my mind goes blank every time I open up a new post, yet a blank page in my journal eventually gets a few lines written? I suppose I’m a bit of a romantic when it comes to paper and pen…

Originally when I started this blog it was more of an open notebook to keep quotes and articles that inspire me to be better. I’d leave out the pain and the angst because I wanted this to be something positive if someone were to stumble upon it.

Also, I know that my writing isn’t perfect. Sometimes it’s too verbose and I have this annoying habit of repeating myself. Funny enough, it’s so predictable that I find it pretty quickly after doing a review, whether it’s personal or professional in subject. Obviously, I also tend to go off in tangents due to random changes in thought.. which annoys myself and may also do the same to an unassuming reader.

Then, of course, I cringe at the thought of anyone I know figuring out that this blog is created by me… especially with how honest I would like to be about what is really going on. Even more so, to imagine it being discovered down the road when I have somehow turned my life into the success that I feel is inside of me.

So I sit here on my patio in the morning sun, with my cup of joe and a cig, as I listen to the zany squirrels chasing eachother around the tree and think, who really cares?? And no one is going to figure it out. What’s the worst that could happen if they did? The Internet is clogged with people spilling their souls out for better or worse.

Hence the title of this post, here it goes, this blog will now represent the transformation of a life, from one of angst to one that is beautiful, happy, healthy and fulfilling. Typos and all. Grammatical errors in abundance I’m sure. This is going to be about me. All of me.

I was watching the show Mad Men the other day and for the longest time I’ve been pausing my Tivo to take down the bits and pieces of writing that make me feel alive. Here’s one from the other night that feels appropriate for my life at this point:

“Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting.”

Yes, it is great to visit blogs and sites that are purely dedicated to those on an upswing but I have yet to encounter one that also touches on the nitty gritty of depression, addictive behavior, self-sabotage, insecurity, ACOA and a less than perfect pursuit of a dream. Sometimes, it can be inspirational to see the pain that leads up to life-changing realizations. To see the struggle and the background that is all part of being human and flawed.

No matter where my life ends up, I know that my self-defeating tendencies will not disappear. It will forever be a balancing act and I will always be a work in progress. Just as anyone in a (healthy) relationship will tell you, it is work. And so is the relationship we have with ourselves.


The bottom is an interesting place to find yourself. All of the sudden, the dust begins to settle and you look around, absorbing the state of your world. Everything is so clear when your life falls apart. You are given this amazing opportunity to rebuild and make incredible changes in yourself. Chaos is the perfect time for lasting change. I’ve finally reached a point where I can no longer go on living like this. I suppose it’s partly disgust, mixed with shame and confusion.

I thought I was doing everything right, or at least trying to. But here’s the thing, I now realize that no matter what I bring into my life, it’s all going to slip between my fingers if I don’t fix myself at the core.

I don’t need to recreate my external world. As I get older, I can see that I’ve gone that route too many times. It’s time to take a hard look at myself and figure out why life has never gotten better no matter where my home is. It’s not easy to do, and I know now that I can’t do it on my own.

I’m so fortunate to have the friends that I do, they’re my family. But it’s gotten to the point where I can see the pain in their eyes as they watch me self-destruct. My personal problems have now permeated everything and everyone around me. Co-dependency, self-medicating and escapism have been my downfall.

No matter how many times I’ve felt my heart ache in these past few months, I know I’ve arrived at this point for a reason. All of this pain that I am going through is necessary to become the person I want to be. Every last drop.

I’m not going to let this city turn me away. Because guess what? It’s not the city, it’s me. The only thing I am running from, is myself… and I’m too logical to keep planning an escape when I keep returning to the same place.

If I leave, it’s going to be on my terms and not based off of delusional fear. My personal faults cannot be masked as external factors any longer… it’s as if I’ve been chasing my own shadow.

I created this situation and I am the only one who can pick up the pieces. I feel like I’m finally taking the right path to become the person I know I’m capable of being. Big things are about to happen.


“Man looks into the abyss
There’s nothing staring back at him
At that moment, man finds his character
And that is what keeps him out of the abyss.”

– G.G. in Wall Street