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Why is it that my mind goes blank every time I open up a new post, yet a blank page in my journal eventually gets a few lines written? I suppose I’m a bit of a romantic when it comes to paper and pen…

Originally when I started this blog it was more of an open notebook to keep quotes and articles that inspire me to be better. I’d leave out the pain and the angst because I wanted this to be something positive if someone were to stumble upon it.

Also, I know that my writing isn’t perfect. Sometimes it’s too verbose and I have this annoying habit of repeating myself. Funny enough, it’s so predictable that I find it pretty quickly after doing a review, whether it’s personal or professional in subject. Obviously, I also tend to go off in tangents due to random changes in thought.. which annoys myself and may also do the same to an unassuming reader.

Then, of course, I cringe at the thought of anyone I know figuring out that this blog is created by me… especially with how honest I would like to be about what is really going on. Even more so, to imagine it being discovered down the road when I have somehow turned my life into the success that I feel is inside of me.

So I sit here on my patio in the morning sun, with my cup of joe and a cig, as I listen to the zany squirrels chasing eachother around the tree and think, who really cares?? And no one is going to figure it out. What’s the worst that could happen if they did? The Internet is clogged with people spilling their souls out for better or worse.

Hence the title of this post, here it goes, this blog will now represent the transformation of a life, from one of angst to one that is beautiful, happy, healthy and fulfilling. Typos and all. Grammatical errors in abundance I’m sure. This is going to be about me. All of me.

I was watching the show Mad Men the other day and for the longest time I’ve been pausing my Tivo to take down the bits and pieces of writing that make me feel alive. Here’s one from the other night that feels appropriate for my life at this point:

“Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting.”

Yes, it is great to visit blogs and sites that are purely dedicated to those on an upswing but I have yet to encounter one that also touches on the nitty gritty of depression, addictive behavior, self-sabotage, insecurity, ACOA and a less than perfect pursuit of a dream. Sometimes, it can be inspirational to see the pain that leads up to life-changing realizations. To see the struggle and the background that is all part of being human and flawed.

No matter where my life ends up, I know that my self-defeating tendencies will not disappear. It will forever be a balancing act and I will always be a work in progress. Just as anyone in a (healthy) relationship will tell you, it is work. And so is the relationship we have with ourselves.

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“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”
– Marcel Proust

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“In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.”
– Bertrand Russell

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“Don’t be afraid if things seem difficult in the beginning. That’s only the initial impression. The important thing is not to retreat; you have to master yourself.”
Olga Korbut, Gymnast – Four Time Olympic Gold Medallist

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“Do not fear mistakes, there are none.”
– Miles Davis

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“So what do we do? Anything – something. So long as we don’t just sit there. If we screw it up, start over. Try something else. If we wait until we’ve satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late.”
Lee Iacocca, Former Chairman of Chrysler Corporation

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Days are scrolls: write on them only what you want remembered.
-Bchya Ibn Pakuda

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“Four short words sum up what has lifted most successful individuals above the crowd: a little bit more. They did all that was expected of them and a little bit more.”
A. Lou Vickery, Writer
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I will not allow yesterday’s success to lull me into today’s complacency, for this is the great foundation of failure.
– Og Mandino

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It’s the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, but it’s the little differences that make them interesting.
-Todd Ruthman

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It’s better to do nothing with your money than something you don’t understand.
– Suze Orman

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“We are, each of us, angels with only one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other.”
– Luciano Decrescenzo

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“People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don’t know when to quit. Most people succeed because they are determined to.”
George E. Allen, 1832-1907, Publisher and Author

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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“There is something about yourself that you don’t know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it’s too late to do anything about it. It’s the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I’m special. We share an addiction. We’re approval junkies. We’re all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin’ rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we’re just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.”
– Jake Green, Revolver

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

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“may happiness pursue you,
catch you often, and
should it lose you,
be waiting ahead, making
a clearing for you.”
-a.r. ammons
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“If a man loses anything and goes back and looks carefully for it, he will find it.”

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“In my early days, I was eager to learn and to do things, and therefore I learned quickly.”

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“don’t try to force anything. let life be a deep let-go. god opens millions of flowers everyday without forcing their buds.”
-osho

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“as soon as i left you, my darling, the whole world swung into a symphony.”
-anais nin

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“How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.”
-anais nin”

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“I don’t really think about anything too much. I live in the present. I move on. I don’t think about what happened yesterday. If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out.”
-p. anderson